Review 42 – Belffles Belgian Waffles

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I’ll always remember my first grown-up trip to the supermarket. It was early in my second year at university and I’d just moved from halls to my first student house where I could no longer rely on the three cooked meals a day I’d grown accustomed to.

As I walked round an enormous Tesco Extra, I realised I didn’t have a the first clue about what I needed to buy in order to get me through the week without bringing on a deficiency diseases. My basket contained a pack of frozen peas, tinned tomatoes and several malt loaves (all Tesco Value, naturally). Fortunately my wonderful and wise housemates sensed my unease and gave me some suggestions for foodstuffs that might actually constitute a meal.

Whilst I can’t remember the last time I ate malt loaf, there was another sweet delicacy I discovered in that Tesco which nearly a decade later I still love to treat myself to; Belffles Belgian Waffles.

Now, they may not look very authentic (probably because they come in a gaudy blue plastic wrapper and aren’t in any way authentic) but by god are they tasty. The dense eggy waffle is liberally sprinkled with large flecks of sugar which…

…sorry, I just had to wipe the drool off my keyboard.

I planed to review these quite a few weeks ago, but they never lasted long enough for me to take a photo. One afternoon I even bought a couple of them; one to eat straightaway and another to save until I got home to my cameral. Fail.

After I left university, I didn’t come across them for some time and assumed that Tesco stopped selling them. Then I discovered them again in one of those mini Tescos and it appears that most of them stock Belffles – huzzah!

Crap name though. Really? Belffles?

For more waffley fun…

Birdseye potato waffles, they’re waffley versatile.

Footwear for the waffle about town.

For the record, this being review number 42, I’m sure you’re furiously searching my words for the meaning of life. Trust me, it’s in there somewhere.

Review 41 – This week’s telly

I don’t generally think of myself as a telly addict, but I’ve been incredibly excited ever  since I flicked through the TV listings on Saturday.

Yes, we all know that Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant will be making their return to BBC2 this Thursday with Life’s Too Short, but it was actually the arrival three other shows that caught my eye.

First of all, Masterchef: The Professionals and figuring out when you can watch the next episode doesn’t get tougher than this. The first went out on Monday at 8.30pm. On Tuesday it switched to 7pm before it moves to 8pm for Wednesday and Thursday. Next week’s transmission times are a closely guarded secret but boffins are dusting off the machines at Bletchley Park in the hope of catching Greg Wallace performing unspeakable acts with a spoon.

Watching the first episode proved to be very distressing, and not just because Monica has a stare that could turn stone to stone. For some reason the voiceover who has been making Masterchef her own for the past six years, India Fisher, has been replaced by some bloke. This one small change has – to my mind – changed the programme beyond all recognition. I felt as though I was watching a badly dubbed version Masterchef originally intended for a distant land. It remains to be seen whether this new chap will rise to the occassion or sink like so many souffles.

Returning for a second series on Thursday night is Rev. (BBC2 9pm), the sitcom about an inner-city Church of England parish. The first series was bloody marvelous, though perhaps unsurprisingly given the subject, gained a small (but loyal) audience. However it did receive a good PR boost when the following photo taken during filming went viral. I await the return of Tom Hollander, Olivia Coleman and Miles Jupp with much anticipation.

Last and by no means least, this week saw the return of Gareth Malone with his new series The Choir – Military Wives. I appreciate I’ve already ventured into homoerotic territory this week with my ramblings about my hairdresser, but I make no apology for my adoration of Mr Malone.

The basic premise of every series is that Gareth will form a choir in an unlikely or disjointed community leaving everyone with big smiles on their faces and warm fuzzy feelings inside. This time he has set up camp on a military base and created a choir from  the wives and girlfriends left behind whilst the men are on duty in Afghanistan.

As the episode began, I wondered whether what is basically a well-trodden formula could survive another outing. I became further concerned when I noticed more and more cliches spilling out of Malone’s mouth. Then the narrator started to get on my nerves. By now, I was getting very worried that my love affair with The Choir was reaching an end.

And then the choir sang their first song and all my fears were put to rest. It’s not that they were amazing, but it’s a simply beautiful watching these people coming together to sing. Thank you Mr Malone, once again you’ve made me a very happy man.

For more choir fun…

My favourite choir from The Choir.

Who thought watching loads of youngsters singing about feeling suicidal could be so sweet?

For the record, I’ve just noticed that each one of the programmes I’ve mentioned is on BBC2. That is delivering quality first, not cutting back on creativity.

Review 36 – Honest Burgers, Brixton

Few things please me as much as a thick meat patty – which must be cooked medium rare – topped with oozing mature cheddar and sat inside a soft, bouncy white bun. So when I read a a review for Honest Burgers in a Time Out article on exciting destinations for foodies in Brixton Village, I knew that sooner or later I would be making a visit.

Brixton Village is the indoor part of Brixton market and its name seems to reflect the ongoing gentrification this part of south west London. With lots of exciting restaurants and takeaways it’s a fun place to spend a Sunday afternoon with friends. As it happened, I was eating alone so opted to get a takeaway – a cheeseburger with rosemary and salted chips (£7).

They say good things come to those who wait. Actually, they didn’t say that; the waitress told me my food would be along shortly. Not a very honest start it turned out. Nonetheless as I waited patiently quite a few tables became available so I changed my mind and checked that it was okay to eat-in.

The two downsides to eating alone are that you look a bit lonely and people resent you for taking up two places. The first didn’t bother me, but as the tables around me started to fill up, I began to feel very self-conscious every time a new couple or group arrived. Where was my food?

Just as I was about to give up hiding behind my magazine and climb under the table to avoid the gaze of standing would-be diners, a chap arrived with my lunch. Wrapped up and ready to take away. Arse.

Having already waited far longer than I expected, the several minutes required to transfer my food to a plate was just about bearable. As soon as it arrived I decided I’d have happily waited at least twice as long. It was simply delicious. Juicy meat, tasty cheese, a light springy bun and a very nice onion chutney for a bit of bite. The triple-cooked chips were equally as good.

Honest Burgers pride themselves on doing a few dishes very well and sourcing ingredients from local producers around the market. It’s a business plan that works and even despite the slow service I can honestly say it was the tastiest burger I’ve ever had.

For more burger fun…

Can anyone say the words tasty burger without thinking of this?

Why George Costanza, why?

For the record, stupidly I didn’t order Honest Burger’s signature dish, imaginatively named the ‘honest burger’. Oh well, at least I have an excuse to return.

Review 20 – Mini Supermarkets

A mini supermarket spotted recently, the name has been hidden to protect the innocent.

Like frisky rabbits, the number of mini supermarkets just keeps on mulitplying. What were once curiosities in large city centres now appear on British streets everywhere, offering busy people the chance to buy the bare essentials in a hurry.

Tesco Express and Sainsbury’s Local are the stalwarts, but I had to smile when I saw a ‘Little Waitrose’ for the first time the other day. I think is a great name and makes the depressing advance of multi-billion pound companies onto our local streets a bit more palatable. If only the other supermarkets had thought to name their smaller stores ‘Funsize Tesco’ or ‘Ickle Sainsbury’s’ then perhaps they wouldn’t arouse such ire.

Britain boasts a long tradition of local convenience stores, so it’s a huge shame to see so many of them going by the wayside as they face stiff competition from big businesses. I was therefore delighted to spot the shop in the photograph above, fighting back in its own way.

The part of the name I’ve blurred out is not Tesco, but one chosen by a some plucky local shopkeeper who has decided he or she can do just as good a job as the company that is said to pocket 1 in every £8 spent in the UK. Surely it is a matter of when and not if Tesco decide to flex their legal muscles, so I’ve done my best to protect the little guy using Photoshop.

Inside, the XXXX express might not be as swish as one of its bigger rivals, but it certainly makes up for that in character. Perhaps Mary “Queen of Shops” Portas would have something to say about the unconventional product range and layout, but I found exactly what I wanted and was glad to have supported a small business. Good luck to them!

For more funsize supermarket, er, fun…

One of the reasons I wrote this blog, I want people to listen to THIS

An interesting way to keep money spent in Brixton, in Brixton HERE

For the record, I was once rejected for a Saturday job in my local Sainsbury’s whilst doing my A-Levels, but I’m not bitter. Much.

Review 14 – Free FRijj Giveaway

Was I greedy to take four free FRijj milkshakes from the promo staff outside London Bridge station yesterday? The simple answer is yes. The more complicated answer is that I was bullied into it by my curiosity and conscience.

Having gladly received a ‘New & Exciting Raspberry Jam Doughnut’ flavoured shake, I immediately felt hard done by that I hadn’t been given  the one (apparently) based on my all time favourite desert, ‘I’m New in Town Sticky Toffee Pudding’. I did what anyone would have done; wandered round the corner, slipped the freebie into my man bag and went then back for seconds.

So, my curiosity forced me to take two, but how did I end up with four?

Well, having hopped on the tube – whilst drinking my Sticky Toffee Pudding milkshake – and set off to a job interview, I began to have a pang of guilt. I remembered that there were two people back at home who might interested to find out how desperate FRijj have become to come up with new flavours. I could have shared my remaining shake between them, but I hadn’t even tasted that one. So, I did what anyone would have done; drank the second one myself following the interview, returned to London Bridge a few hours later and repeated the charade to bring my haul up to four.

It’s been a long time since I worked in a shop or behind a bar, but I’m pretty sure the same person could come in on the hour, every hour and I wouldn’t have recognised them. Why then did I feel the need to remove my tie, hide my jacket in my bag and roll up my sleeves when I went back for my third and fourth helpings? If there’d been a fancy dress shop nearby, I’d have been tempted to borrow a Shrek costume for 10 minutes to further allay my fears of being spotted.

Fortunately, I got away with it and the fact I’m able to write this blog can be taken as proof than I’m not in FRijj prison being tortured with badly-capitalised brand names. I even felt pretty proud of myself. That is, until I took the above photo. Seeing two litres of sneakily collected sugar-infused milk is not something to shout from the roof tops, and today’s entry is my confession. Bring on the flaming comments, I deserve them.

For more flavoured and pasturised treats…

Can any discussion of milkshake take place without thinking of THIS?

Or for that matter, THIS?

For the record, of the two milkshakes, the Raspberry Jam Doughnut tasted the most like its description but was sickly and difficult to finish nonetheless.

Review 7: Sainsbury’s Caledonian Scottish Water

“You’ll find Sainsbury’s Caledonian naturally still Scottish water perfect on its own, with food or as a mixer.” So reads the description on the back of the above bottle of mineral water.

In an earlier blog entry, I suggested that Groupon’s team of copywriters were among the most imaginative in the business. I now retract that. Whatever crack is being smoked at by the good folk in the Sainsbury’s product description department is clearly of the finest, most hallucinogenic quality.

I’m sick and tired of carefully selecting a bottle of water, only to find it completely over-powers my dinner. I’ve had it up to here with swanky bars using inferior aqua in their cocktails. How many times have I put a bottle of water to my lips and thought, “no, this isn’t right, it needs… something else”?

Unsurprisingly the answer to all three questions is never. Serving suggestions on packaging have always made me laugh. They seem to range from the bleeding obvious (cornflakes in a bowl with milk) to the outrageously decadent (powdered bran flakes dusted around a plate of filet mignon). There is no middle ground.

Maybe I’ve got this all wrong; maybe the labels on bottled water are like the writing on cereal packets? No one compares the prose of Tony the Tiger and the Honey Monster when deciding which breakfast treat to put in their shopping basket. People only pay attention to what’s on the box because they can’t hold a book or newspaper whilst one hand is holding a bowl and the other is shovelling dangerous quantities of sugar into their mouth.

Most likely, the label on this bottle of water is meant to help drinkers pass the time and also distract them from the fact that they have just paid good money for something that comes out of the tap (which they already pay for).

I realise the tone of this review is already fairly petty, so I’ll not mention the exhaustive list of ingredients displayed on the Sainsbury’s website or the following waste of 3m 14s of your life.

For more H20 thrills…

Learn the history of bottled water – HERE

Water, water all around… HERE

For the record, I try my best to refill bottles of water to the point that they have lost their shape and have gone opaque, but I know I could be doing better. Having written this and thought about it a little more, I’ll redouble my efforts to cut down on my waste,

Review 4: Weight Watchers Ricotta & Tomato Tart

I know what you’re thinking: “Ricotta & Tomato Tart my eye. That’s a deep pan pizza”. Well, I can assure you it is not a 36 point coronary on a plate, and is another concoction inspired by the famous Weight Watchers diet.

Now, I’m not a weight watcher but I do knock out a fair few of their recipes. I’m not your archetypal thrill-seeker, but playing ‘WW Recipe Roulette’ is one of the ways I add drama, tension and excitement to my life. The rules will be familiar to any family that sits round on Christmas day playing the more widely-know Russian version; except the consequences can be far, far worse.

Having chosen at random from the WW cookbook, there follows a prolonged period of tension and nervous sweating whilst you go to the supermarket, buy the ingredients, cook the meal and then raise the first forkful to your lips. Of course, there have been very few reported fatalities among WW Recipe Roulette players, but that’s not to say it doesn’t cause agony. I’m beginning to lose count of the number of times I’ve spent the best past of an evening lovingly preparing a meal only for it to turn out slightly less appetising than a Wagon Wheel.

That said, there have been some greats and last night’s tart was pretty tasty. It had pastry and cheese, yet was only 2 points per sixth; not bad if you’re following the sometimes baffling points system.

Actually, there’s another game I’m currently playing too; Carry On Recipes. That doesn’t mean I snigger and guffaw every time I read the words ‘portion size’ – though who doesnt? – but that whichever ingredient I have the most left over of from the previous night, forms the basis of the next evening meal. Best of all and to my knowledge, no one has every kicked the bucket playing Carry On Recipes, although Nigel Slater did suffer a scratched cornea once when Delia Smith’s bikini came flying off one day.

Feast upon more Weight Watchers treats at the following:

The official site, officially – HERE

Er… that’s it. HERE is a funny video instead.

For the record, my favourite WW recipe is Mussaman Lamb Curry with Pumpkin (11 points) and least favourite was Pumpkin, Sage & Mushroom Lasagne (5 points)